What is limerence?
Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of longing for one particular person, marked by intrusive thoughts, a craving for signs that the feeling is returned, and mood swings that depend on those signs. The psychologist Dorothy Tennov named it in 1979. It feels like love and differs from it in one way: limerence is about uncertainty.
What limerence feels like
The person, called the limerent object, takes over the mind. You replay a glance for hours, read meaning into a punctuation mark, and feel euphoric or crushed depending on a reply. It is not a decision and cannot be switched off by willpower.
- Constant, intrusive thoughts about one person.
- An aching need to know whether they feel the same.
- Elation at small signs, despair at their absence.
- Idealising them and overlooking what does not fit.
- Shyness and physical symptoms in their presence.
Limerence and love
Love grows with knowledge of the other person and survives ordinary days. Limerence feeds on not knowing. It is strongest when hope and doubt are evenly balanced, which is why it fades both when the feeling is clearly returned and when it is clearly refused.
Tennov found that it usually lasts between a few months and a few years. It can turn into love, and it often simply ends.
When it becomes a burden
Limerence is a common human experience, not a diagnosis. It becomes a problem when it crowds out work, sleep and the people who are actually in your life, or when it fixes on someone unavailable for years. In that case a therapist can help; the pattern is well known and responds to treatment.
Questions and answers
- What does limerence mean?
- An involuntary state of obsessive romantic longing for one person, with intrusive thoughts and a strong need for the feeling to be returned.
- How long does limerence last?
- Typically from several months up to about three years, according to Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term. It ends sooner once uncertainty is removed.
- Is limerence the same as a crush?
- It is far stronger. A crush is pleasant and passes. Limerence is consuming and can interfere with daily life.