Sexless marriage: what it means and what can be done
A sexless marriage is commonly defined as one in which the couple has sex fewer than ten times a year, or not at all. It is far more common than people admit. It is a problem only if one or both of you are unhappy with it, and the way out almost always begins with a conversation that has been avoided.
What counts as sexless
The figure of ten times a year comes from researchers who needed a line to draw. For a couple, the number matters less than the gap between what each of you wants. Two people who are content with very little have no problem. One person lying awake does.
Why it happens
There is rarely one cause, and it is rarely a lack of love.
- Exhaustion: small children, work, caring for parents.
- Health: pain, medication, hormones, depression.
- Resentment that has never been spoken.
- Routine, and the feeling of being flatmates.
- Different levels of desire that were always there.
- Shame about bodies, or about asking.
How to start the conversation
Choose a calm moment that is not in bed and not after a rejection. Speak about yourself: "I miss being close to you" is heard differently from "we never have sex". Ask what it is like for him, and be ready for an answer you did not expect.
Start with touch that asks for nothing. Many couples find their way back through affection that is explicitly not a prelude.
When to get help
See a doctor if pain, medication or mood may be involved. A couples or sex therapist is the right address when you cannot talk about it without hurting each other, or when one of you has given up. Seeking help is common and effective, and it is not an admission of failure.
Questions and answers
- What is a sexless marriage?
- A marriage with very little or no sexual activity, often defined as fewer than ten times a year.
- How common is a sexless marriage?
- Surveys suggest that a substantial minority of married couples have little or no sex in a given year. It is common enough that therapists consider it one of their most frequent subjects.
- Can a sexless marriage survive?
- Yes, if both partners are content with it or are working on it together. It becomes a risk when one person suffers in silence.