Romantic fantasies: why we have them and what they are for
Romantic fantasies are the love stories people imagine for themselves: being noticed across a room, being pursued, being known without having to explain. Nearly everyone has them, at every age and in every kind of relationship. They are not a sign that something is missing. They are how the mind plays.
Why we have them
Imagination is a rehearsal room. In a fantasy you can be wanted without risk and choose the pace, the place and the ending. It is rest, and it is also information: what you return to tells you something about what you value.
The most common romantic fantasies
Romance novels are built from the same few, because they work.
- Being chosen: he could have anyone and sees only you.
- Being pursued patiently, by someone who does not give up and does not push.
- The stranger: one evening with no history and no consequences.
- Being looked after by someone entirely competent.
- The man who is reserved with everyone and soft with you.
- Being understood without having to explain.
- Starting again, somewhere else, as someone bolder.
What they do and do not mean
A fantasy is not a plan. Imagining a stranger does not mean you want to leave your partner, and enjoying a dominant hero on the page does not mean you want to be ordered about at breakfast. Most fantasies are best exactly where they are.
Some are worth translating. If you keep imagining being pursued, you may want more initiative from your partner. That is something you can say.
Fantasies you can step into
Books let you watch a fantasy. Interactive fiction lets you take part. An AI character written as a lover is the newest form of that: a story in which the other person answers you. Beau de Nuit's men are written around exactly these fantasies, for one evening or for longer.
Questions and answers
- Are romantic fantasies normal?
- Yes. Almost everyone has them, whether single or in a happy relationship.
- Is it wrong to fantasise when you are in a relationship?
- No. Fantasy is private play and usually says nothing against your partner. It becomes an issue only if it replaces the relationship.
- What are the most common romantic fantasies for women?
- Being chosen, being patiently pursued, an evening with a stranger, and being cared for by someone confident are among those that appear most often in romance fiction.