What is an emotional affair?
An emotional affair is a close, intimate bond with someone outside your relationship that involves no sex but takes the confidences, attention and secrecy that belong to a partner. What defines it is not friendship. It is that you hide it.
Signs of an emotional affair
Close friendships are not affairs. These are the differences.
- You tell this person things you no longer tell your partner.
- You delete messages or play down how often you talk.
- You think about them when something good or bad happens.
- You dress or plan your day with them in mind.
- You would be uncomfortable if your partner read the conversation.
Why it hurts as much as a physical one
Many people say the emotional betrayal hurt more than a physical one would have. Intimacy is what a relationship is made of, and discovering that it went elsewhere, in secret, shakes the ground. The absence of sex does not make it harmless.
What to do
If it is yours, ask what you were missing and whether you have said so at home. Ending the secrecy is the first step, whichever way you decide. If it is your partner's, a calm conversation about what you saw works better than an accusation. A couples counsellor is the right address when the two of you cannot find the words.
Questions and answers
- What counts as an emotional affair?
- A secret emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship: sharing what you would normally share with your partner and hiding it.
- Is an emotional affair cheating?
- Most couples consider it so, because it involves secrecy and a breach of trust, even without physical contact.
- Can you have an emotional affair with an AI?
- You can become attached to a character, but an affair needs another person. If an AI takes the place of talking to your partner, the thing to look at is the relationship.